I am so tired.
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK.



I am just going to take the damn college board tests and get on with my life. I wish the world would stop for a good hour or so and give me the time to REST, SLEEP, and live carelessly about the future. selfishly, I want the world to come to a complete halt in order for me to really take in this shit-fest called junior year.




AMBITION; what is sexier than the desire to succeed? exactly. love you jamesy and your very impressive resume<3

rant

I am tired, very tired and stressing only adds to my negative mentality. if I don't get into the school of my choice, so what? I put in hours of restlessness and sacrificed my overall well-being in the process; what else could I have done?




I am trying, I am really, really trying. I know there will always be room for improvement but do I really have to push myself to the edge of my sanity? I am so happy right now. in fact, I have been the happiest I have been in a very, very long time if not in my entire life. my junior started out rough, RIDICULOUSLY rough but my family, friends, and other aspects of my life are wonderful.. more than I could ever ask for. and I hate how I am choosing to bring myself down because of school. all that I have done and continue to do should be good enough. I really want to just say to myself, "I did what I could and I am proud of what I was able to accomplish."

as for now, my future remains a mystery.. but I think I am going to pay a visit to the chapel tomorrow. praying alleviates my stress.

SUCCESS

at spending my spring break accordingly. I saw/associated with all the people I wanted to, with a few exceptions (you know who you are). life has only been getting better for me. I am still pretty anxious about my SAT subject tests in about two weeks and then the AP tests. crazy how THESE tests determine my future. I have procrastinated pretty badly. but how can I take practice AP tests when I have not retained the information I need for it? what is the point of taking a test when I know I do not know anything?!


EXACTLY. my reasoning is justified, but I still have 1 DBQ, 2 FRQ, and 2 practice tests to take. that is, after my usual assignments. oh, fuck me.



my confirmation is slowly approaching and I have yet to find a dress =/ I did go dress shopping, however, but I FAILED because neither my mom or I could agree on one dress. I HATE DRESS SHOPPING, but I love wearing dresses. ah, well I have more things to worry about than what I will wear. at the least, MARG and JOANN will see me becoming initiated into the church =)

I took the time to really think about my confirmation and I realized that I honestly want to further myself as a catholic. I have been questioned about my faith numerous of times but still, I genuinely feel that the Catholic church suits me best. Although what Mrs. Costello (religion teacher) preaches about can be sometimes a bit ridiculous, it is the core beliefs of the Catholic church I can really relate too. I love adoration. I love the sacraments. and most importantly, I love being in the presence of Jesus Christ alongside my family. As of now, I am planning on becoming active in my church out of my own choice.

SELFISH

I have been so damn selfish lately.. I hate feeling the way I do because I know that all this negativity is preventable. I need to stop thinking about myself and start focusing on how I can make an impact in someone else's life. I have been too self-absorbed in my own problems that I have also become too blinded too realize how blessed I am. and I must take into consideration that my own dilemmas are small matters compared those around me.



give me the faith to see the light.




_CAIT

the possibility.

I am seeing something that no one else can. but for the first time, I am really going to take the chance and just trust myself. after all my failed attempts, I am thinking that maybe this time, I finally have it right.

I forgot how amazing urbangermany is. I have played about dozen of his videos in the last hour. aaaaaaah, his voice melts in my ears, HA.

SOLUTION:

CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

smityhasnwrth43 (10:43:05 PM): I just have faith that things will work out somehow.

smityhasnwrth43 (10:43:11 PM): They always have.

the FUTURE, FUTURE, FUTURE has been on my mind. but it's like what alan said, I just need to have faith that all will fall into place but at the same time, not sacrifice myself in the process of reaching my goals. the future scares me the shit out of me, but I suppose that the beauty in that is not knowing exactly what to expect. and alan, HONEST TO GOD, you have no idea how much you do for me and how grateful I am to have you as a friend. you save me from myself and really, that's more than I can even do.

oh, and I thought this was insightful =)

smityhasnwrth43 (10:59:41 PM): Ohh this was an interesting korean poem my friend read to us.

smityhasnwrth43 (11:00:05 PM): Basically, these teenage girls were under a fruit tree stressing about the future and stuff like who they will marry.

smityhasnwrth43 (11:00:16 PM): Then the fruit that is eavesdropping thinks to itselg

smityhasnwrth43 (11:00:18 PM): itself

smityhasnwrth43 (11:00:42 PM): I son't know who will pick me or eat me, but I keep growing anyway. Why are these girls afraid to grow up?

kudos to the wise korean man.

the irony of it all..

is that one mistake can overshadow a multitude of triumphs. as I read through my history book, I could not help but feel sympathy for presidents. all the burdons fall into their hands, whether they had completed their duty to their greatest ability or not. from a single mistake, hope is potentially shattered, and faith can be completely lost. and with such privilege comes a responsibility far too large for one man. even with countless critics waiting for the president to falter, thousands, perhaps even millions, continue to pursue his position =/as shakespeare once noted, our flaws are highlighted whereas our good deeds are buried along with our bones.

I suppose that holds true for even me. I hate admitting my faults let alone, coming to forgive others. and so many times before have I forgotten how the people I now resent are the ones I once cherished. ironic and also ridiculous, I know. I have experienced numerous moments of joy; yet, I only choose to bring to light the few occasions where I have been disappointed. I am working on this.. I promise.

Love Test

Here is the analysis:

1. When it comes to love, you take your time and do not fall in love easily.
2. You give 100% to your relationship and expect to receive 0% in return.
3. If there is a problem in your relationship, you are able to confront it in an optimistic way and full of hope. You want to work it out right away, all by yourself.
4. You need lots of reassurance in your relationship. You'd like to see your loved one every day, if possible.
5. You accept your loved one the way they are. You don't expect him or her to change for you.
6. When you love someone, you tend to stay in love for a long time.

hmm, and apparently I am a hopeless romantic who will only commit once I have found the right person..
who knows =)

k-day

KOREAN-DAY
I have wonderful people in my life.

wonderful

<3333333333333333333

I have to admit that I am a sucker for men in suits, especially for the very few that can pull of the infamous bow tie (above). and at the same time, I drawn to characters that resemble everything I am not. ah, the wonderful world of men =)


I found inspiration in one of the most unexpected places - a Dr. Phil article. it's odd how my religion teacher promotes Dr. Phil and his philosophy, haha but nonetheless, what he had been saying in his article makes sense. I am finally realizing my potential. I need the positive mind-set in order to excel in anything and the willingness to apply the necessary amount of effort.

"the difference between winners and losers is that winners do the work that no one else wants to do."

why can't I have it all? why can't I go the college of my choice and ALSO pursue my dreams? what exactly is stopping me from becoming the best possible version of myself?