I may not be the prettiest, the smartest, the most charming..
but shit, I am going to make the best with what I do haaaave =)

and I have unfinished business to attend to.. after this long, I owe someone a sincere apology. how could I be so selfish? too bad I can never put what I need to get out into sentences. and then mission numero dos ;D AAAAAHHH! someone give me the baaalls.

meet my best friends =) minus steph and talon!






I need to get my shit straight to ensure this semester's success. cleeeeeear mind, blank slate. but why do my worries always consist of school and guys? why not my failure to please Jesus and my family? Or, even my health considering I barely sleep. I started cleaning out my room for the first time in months (I kid you not!) and I went through my "box of memories." the chances are if you have ever made me a card, it is in that box. I started re-reading some of the cards when I realized even the biggest assholes can be the greatest people. this person for example..

"I know you worry a lot about your grades and the boys you like, but you shouldn't. All of your friends know your smart - you should listen to them. Just do your best and you will have nothing to regret. As for boys, bahala na. The best boys come when your not looking, Caitlin."

maybe this is what I needed to start the semester and the rest of my life. - optimism but not idealism. I truly do live a good life.. I just hope I never forget that. "true wealth is not a measure of money but a measure of heart."



oh and I am crossing my fingers I can attend rg's concert saturday!

"what would do if you knew you wouldn't fail?"

I caught this quote while passing by the magnets cart in barnes&nobles. and this made me think.. what would I really do? or what is holding me back now? I am just thinking all that I COULD accomplish. if only I had the confidence and belief, all that I want could be in the palm of my hands.

thoughts have been racing through my mind. but acceptance is keeping me from insanity. lately, I have been experiencing a series of epiphanies, most of which are disappointments. but why am I so contented? maybe because I finally recognize everyone's true colors and all that I am blessed to possess. I am able to grasp a more real truth and no longer question the validity of certain friendships. FUCK, I am pretty daaaamn lucky =)

and all of this happened within my time-span at D.C. true, I had been leaning more towards mccain but the whole experience really opened my eyes and I have my D.C. crew (linds, juli, janielle, marione, veronica) to thank. that last night in our hotel room was insane.. deeeep deeeep shit. we exchanged secrets I could never in my life imagine to be true. but these so called "revelelations" as mark likes to call them have refreshed my mind.


honest to God, I love, love my friends and even if she is ridiculous, I love megan even more.

I came across someone's facebook I used to crush on way back when. and when I mean way back when, I really do mean WAY BACK WHEN.. and his page just reminded me how much time has really gone by. In a sense, I have evolved into a completely different person and probably he the same. and to think of ALLLLLLL THE GUYS I misconceived as "amazing" or somewhat "perfect." and in actuality, NONE of these guys were close to perfection. since then, I have definately upped my standards =) I want qualities of the mind like..

INTELLIGENCE
HUMOR
AMBITION
DEVOTION
SINCERITY

& then that initial ATTRACTION factor.

I mean of course it would be nice to talk to someone at times but really.. all that I am concerned about at the moment is finding a winter formal date, hehe. I do have one person in mind to ask and he won't see it coming! that is, if I do actually execute the plan.

I am in the same bundle of the brightest people I know and yet, I do not feel up to par, but rather more stupid than I should give myself credit before. joann is right on this one.. it is my not ability that will psych me out but only myself. I have always struggled with recognizing my strengths and abilities and I constantly convince myself that I am incapable of greatness. this ,most of all, hurts me.

I believe that the whole school system is stupid. we just work our fucking asses off to go to an even higher and harder learning institution. and once we graduate from college, we are only going to work even harder in our careers. essentially, we are all just working hard to work harder. I have all honors and AP classes.. so what? my classes are filled with either over-achievers, the naturally smart who are able to BS their way through life, and/or lucky kids who are able to BS their way through life. personally, I do not believe you have to be intelligent to be in an honors class or even an AP class; you just have to do your homework. maybe I am competent and smart.. and possibly, with the balance of effort and determination, I can achieve all that I strive for.

BELIEF. that's what I need.


and lately, my relationships with friends in general has been going good =) I have either seen or talked to most of my close friends. joann, once again is right.. I really do not need some people because I have friends that can compensate for the shit anyone can ever put me through.

I have this never-ending writer's block, where I have absolutely brilliant ideas but I cannot put them into sentences that make sense! I am hard at work, or I like to think I am.. at studying for finals. my sports medicine final is thursday..

anyways,
my new year's resolutions:

no myspace/facebook on school nights
like someone; no more random and hopeless crushing
NO SLACKING; read ALL my books
sleep before midnight
read the bible more, especially in times of desperation
ignore false friends.. if that makes sense?
worry less
listen more and listen better
&A P P R E C I A T E